I stopped being what the world wanted me to be, and I got punished for it.

This subject has occupied my thoughts today: as I was washing dishes and listening to a Roman history podcast, it came to me and stuck in my mind like a gum.

This thought, colored with a touch of heartache, was on my mind me until I realized I had to express it in some way. Recently, my lyric-writing has hit a slump, and since I've already finished my journal for today, I've chosen to share it with you, dear reader: to convey my feelings, not because they hold significance in the grand scheme of the world, but because they matter to me and my own little world.

Having been an overachiever since childhood (growing up in a military environment), I've been trained to always strive for excellence. Combine this with a culture that flourishes on social approval, and voilà! You have the ideal recipe for a people-pleaser tonic, garnished with a wedge of lime.

However, everything felt normal till it wasn't.

I earned excellent grades (though I experienced some difficult years), completed the top Master's program globally (despite occasional struggles), and secured a great position in the corporate sector (alongside amazing managers whom I still admire). Life appeared perfect, which to me meant both financially and socially, using the metrics we commonly apply in this world.

A defining moment occurred when I was invited to speak to the graduating class of my Master's program at the University of St. Gallen. I chose to discuss the "Yardstick for Success," emphasizing that everyone has their own way of evaluating life. Your definition of success may differ from those around you. Some people equate success with maintaining the status quo, others aim to be good parents, some wish to immigrate to safer countries, and some aspire to retire by age 30. All of these are perfectly valid as long as YOU determine YOUR own measure of success.

Standing in the room and hearing the applause was beautiful, sharing my speech afterwards with people who wanted it was even more beautiful; but looking at myself in the mirror after that speech was ugly, because I was a hypocrite.

I convinced myself so thoroughly that I began to accept it as truth: my idea of success is straightforward—gaining social approval, accumulating wealth, and leading a stable life in Switzerland. Over the years, I conditioned myself to believe this because who wouldn't desire it?

In the words of people around me: "People would die to have the things and opportunities that you have" and maybe they are right but life is seldom so black and white. Clearly, these metrics were wrong for me and I just did not see that for myself.

Whatever I was running from caught up with me very soon after that and in the next few months while living in Boston, I decided to quit my perfect life and make the drastic decision to become a musician and move to Berlin.

My finances, social approval, and mental health plummeted from 100 to 10 very quickly, and I was unprepared for it since I believe no one around me was mad enough to experience this. Hence, the turbulent journey began, one that I did not brace myself hard enough for.

People respected my decision from afar and my loved one disliked it while being very close.

Over the past few months, and now approaching a year, I've been thrust into an unfamiliar world where transactions occur in a currency I don't possess, and somehow the starchild has become a faceless stranger.

I realised how many people forgot my birthdays

I noticed how people treated me differently when they had nothing to gain from me.

I saw if I cannot afford somethings then I would not be invited to events

I noticed that my family places more trust in my sibling's decisions and guidance because he is in a more stable phase of life and makes "more thoughtful decisions than I do".

I felt how people stopped asking me at dinner table about my life and skipped over what I wanted to say

I could see racism clearly (I did not want to write it but here it is)

I was advised not to treat the house like a hotel and to contribute in some way. Was it just because I was snacking in the kitchen like before, and now I was considered a brat?

I saw pity in the eyes of people who wanted to help me (if you know the look then you know)

I experienced it all profoundly, as it resonated deeply within me. For the first time, I failed to conform to what the world expected of me, and as a result, I was significantly marginalized by friends, family, acquaintances, the street dog, the kebab guy, and so on—you name it.

Struggle is romanticised only by the fools, I never realized the mental, emotional and psychological implications that my decisions would result into but what it was I was not prepared for it and has been the greatest learning.

The purpose of learning isn't to continuously align with society's standards. Although I'm currently in the midst of this learning journey and can't specify exactly what it entails, I am certain that it will somehow transform me into a better person in the future.

I want to end this on a good note and I just wanted to mention one thing that has not changed through it all.

I am grateful for the love and trust Alex (my husband/band member) has shown me over the years. I often wonder what I did to deserve such love and trust, especially since I haven't always felt worthy of it. Despite all the changes, his kindness has remained a constant in my life, strong enough to shoo away the painful moments that arise these days.

I never knew the power of love, empathy and kindness till I saw it in a human form and no way I thought that universe will give that to me ever in my life but somehow the universe did, exactly when it planned to and exactly when I need it.

I can never be grateful enough for that.